4 years ago, my friend invited me to a sleepover. my first sleepover that had both girls and guys in it. i was so excited. we were playing truth or dare, getting drunk and drinking just for the fuck of it.
they dared me to kiss him.
my ex, my first love, my first heartbreak.
it started off as a peck, but it turned into a make out session.
i loved it. he was definitely my weakness. i’m not sure if i loved it because i was in love with him once upon a time, or because he was an insanely good kisser, or because i was drunk out of my mind.
1 hour later he hits on my close friend. i’m ashamed, embarrassed that i even gave him the opportunity to take advantage of my emotions and my attraction to him like that.
he passes out on the bed. i had no where to sleep. everyone’s asleep. i was so tired.
my sister was drunk too, passed out on the couch. i just wanted to sleep.
he scotches over and tells me to sleep beside him, so i did. secretly i wanted to, but i didnt touch him. he didn’t touch me.
i didn’t even notice. i was dead asleep.
i feel a tug on my shorts, and aggressive kisses on my neck. i woke up to him in his boxers. i couldn’t open my eyes all the way, i thought i was having a bad dream. i went back to sleep and ignored my hallucinations until i felt a tug on my pijama shorts again.
he was trying to undress me, with my back towards him. he wanted to force me into anal sex. he knew i wasn’t that kind of girl, i know he knew. i felt his hard dick on my back, and i immediately panicked. wtf was i supposed to do? i already teased him by hooking up with him. it was my fault i led him on like that, but i was asleep. i don’t do anal, i swear he knew.
i panicked and told him i had to freshen up in the bathroom. he told me to hurry, he told me he missed me. i never felt like that before, i’ve never felt so scared in my entire life. how could he do that to me. he was the first guy i ever fell in love with. he cheated on me 4 times. 4 fucking times. i was so in love with him i forgave him for the first two; the way he used to look at me had me convinced he was in love with me too.
i felt the cold bathroom floor against my thighs, and it made its way up my spine. how could he do that to me. how come none of my friends noticed. why didnt they tell him to fuck off. why doesn’t anyone protect me from guys like him? my bestfriend and my sister were in the same room, and they both didn’t say anything. they both didn’t take my side. my best friend told everyone what happened. he made me seem like a liar. i didn’t tell anyone about what happened for a while until i couldn’t keep it in any more. but the more people i told, the more i realized how much they didn’t believe me. even my closest friends, my sister, the people i thought who would always have my back, they just didn’t believe me.
he is known to be an asshole. how could they believe him over me?
this happened 4 years ago, and i still can’t seem to get over it. i’m scared to be touched. i wanna be in control of my emotions. i wanna let out positive energy so that it can come back and give me something good in this life. i can’t hold onto anything without finding a reason to let go, and its making the empty hole in my heart even bigger. i dont know what to do.